I'm Not Fearless.

When I think of fear, I used to scoff. I thought, 'That is not something I struggle with, I am so utterly confident in the Lord and his provision that moving to a big city, walking down a dark alley, driving in the rain, getting a serious illness, and dying were not things I worried about or stressed over. God's got it... why would you be so trapped by fear?'

But sisters and brothers, I do have fear. I have big fears, HUGE fears that the Lord is bringing to my attention. I am not fearless. I am not capable. I am not God. I need to rely on Him and open up to these huge fears. I worry about so many things that I have absolutely no control over. I worry about those I love and their salvation, I worry about wrecked friendships, I worry about people I care for straying from the path the Lord has called them to, I worry about my ability to follow in obedience. I am so scared.

It is raw fear

It is tearful fear

It is uncontrollable fear

It is heartache-filled fear

It is sinfully covered up fear.

It is the human inability to decide and control what happens in this world fear.

If I could put what I'm saying in a picture this is what it would be...

every single balloon would be a burden I have decided I'm going to carry on my own. Things I've pridefully decided I am able to carry. And friends, my reach is so incredibly limited. I can't hold these anymore. I cannot control the future and safety of these balloons and burdens piled up on my little bike. I am incapable but in my pride and lack of faith, I am sinfully adding more to the pile. I am trapped by burdens that the Lord is much more capable of holding and caring for.

I had this un-right view of fear. That fear in and of itself was sinful and that it wasn't worth working through, I just needed to move on. That somehow my ability to not fear was evidence of faith but in fact, my inability to admit my fear and lift it to the Lord was where the lack of faith really was. What I want you to know is that there is a beautiful portion of fear that I have been missing out on and that is the vulnerability in fear which opens up the opportunity to let God take your place as the caretaker of these burdens. He is so much better holding those burdens because He is the only one with the ability to cover and conquer sin and provide for us in the drought. Scripture teaches so clearly to present your fears before the lord, stating this in 1 Peter:

This is humbleness, this is faith, this is reliance on the one who can do so much more than you. This is the Lord's desire and request and a privilege allotted to us through the gift of Jesus. We don't walk alone, we weren't asked to and we can't- it's impossible. I wrote a poem this week and it is the first time in several years that I've been vulnerable and humble in admitting that I am not fearless, that I am scared, and that I need God to take my place.

Our fear is not faithlessness but faithfulness in admitting that you need God.

This is where we get to rely on our creator and admit that He is Lord and He is sovereign over whatever we are facing. Im glad I have fear because it reminds me just how much I need my Jesus. I will put my trust in Him, His plan, and His sovereign love. As I grow to understand the character of my God, I grow to trust the plans and provisions He makes.

He is for me, He is at work, and HE HAS THIS.

So whatever you are holding, whatever is on your bike of balloons, whatever is too much. Lay it down brothers and sisters. Lay it at your father's feet.

He can carry it, He will carry it.

He is faithful

He wants your vulnerability, He wants to be your source of strength. He wants to be the rock you rely on. He wants to be the God of your life. No one else can fulfill that role. No one is capable.

Give Him every part of you. Give Him your fear. Trust His ways and commit your way to him. He loves us, Oh brother's and sister's, how He loves us.

I'm not fearless, but He is faithful.